Monday, January 3, 2011

One Courageous Mama and One Very Precious Little Child

Tomorrow will be one of the shittiest days in the life of a great woman. It is the day her son will celebrate his 10th birthday.... in heaven.  No cake to enjoy, no candles to blow out, no gifts to open, no photos to record this life milestone.  And the worse, no hugs and kisses from Mom, Dad and his siblings.  It's a day in her life that I can truly relate to.

I buried my daughter nine years ago. And let me tell you, it effin' sucks! We are supposed to OUTLIVE our children... not BURY them! Every single holiday, birthday and life milestone has been stolen from us, never to be given back.  No New Year's celebrations, no Valentine's sent home from school, no Easter baskets to fill, no Mother's Day or Father's Day cards, no fireworks to enjoy together on the 4th of July, no first days of school, no Halloween costumes or trick or treating, no Thanksgiving feasts to share, and worst of all no Christmases filled with joy.  All stolen away in a moment's time.  Just a void where our child should be.

The anger, the rage, the pain...  they are never gone. We just try to hide them well enough to make others happy. And unless you have walked the proverbial mile in our moccasins, don't tell us that you understand. You do NOT and you NEVER will.

I still lay in bed at night begging God for my baby girl back.  If He "really" loved me, He'd grant my wish right? He'd take away the pain? He'd make me whole again?  NOPE, not a chance in hell.  And people wonder why I question my faith? Wouldn't you?

Holes exist in our hearts that will never be filled. And with each passing day that we don't obsess over our child makes our pain worse because we feel we are betraying our child. Yet we don't mention our child often because we don't want to make others uncomfortable. Each time we do this, we die a little inside. And that is just NOT effin' fair!

So if you are reading this post, please stop and say a prayer for Moms like Tanis and me, say a prayer for our children.  And by all means, ask us about our children because they were REAL and they DID exist!

1 comment:

  1. I don't know what its like to lose a child in the sense that you speak but I know the pain of losing the child that I expected. All my hopes and dreams for my son were dashed when he was born with Spina Bifida. While his cousin who was the same age was graduating from high school my son was being offered colouring book and crayons at resturants. But this is not the only loss. i do know some of what you go through because at this point I feel that my son is living on borrowed time. I will have to hold his empty lifeless body when he is gone and not know when I will be with him again. So although, I have not lost a child yet I know the excruciating pain of knowing that I will lose him some day and I can't do a damn thing about it. Yes, faith is a hard thing to hang onto in light of such losses. Wish I knew how to deal with this but I have no answers.

    PS. Whenever I think of a certain little girl, I just want to cry. It breaks my heart