I've got a wonderful friend named Lizzie, who is
a very accomplished writer/author. Every so often she challenges her
writing buddies to write 1,000 in one hour.
Oh how I had that gift! To write
1,000 words that flow together and actually make sense. Can I do it?
I
know that I can do anything I set my mind and heart to doing. But there will
always be a seed of doubt in my mind.
When someone I loved responded negatively when I told them I knew what I
wanted to do in life - write a children's book series for pre-school and kindergarten
aged children - my dream was all but completely squashed and self doubt came
rolling through me like a crazy train running out of control at 200 miles per
hour. That day I closed my laptop and
didn't open it for over two months to write. Ever since that time three and a
half years ago, I can't seem to get it all together and as Larry the Cable Guy
says "Get 'er done!".
These days I tend to doubt my own writing
abilities. So many days I sit down, open
my shiny, relatively-new laptop and then I just stare at the screen wondering
what exactly I should write about. I can
start a blog page and by the end of the first paragraph I have run out of
steam.
I have so many great authors that I look up to. I
would love to replicate their style. Heck, I'd even love to be able to sit down
and finish up the children's book I started about two years ago. But then that over-powering fear grabs me by
my throat. The tingling sensation moves
from my throat upwards to my neck and shoulders and slowly overtakes my
brain. Writer's Block as they call it is
the bane of my existence!
Try as I might, I cannot find a way past it and I
save the blank page and I close up shop.
Days, weeks, months and even years pass and I don't reopen the partially
finished work. I glance past it when I
am on my computer as if it were just a bad dream or a bad time in my life that
I wish never had happened.
Do I have works that I am very proud of? Of
course I do! But those unfinished works,
that's what I use to judge myself. It is
what haunts me. I know in my heart I can
write a good story. I've done it before. But I worry way to much about what my
audience will think, how they will react and what kind of comments will be
left.
Courage. Yes, that is what I need. It lacks in my life, in so many aspects. And
one thing I am lacking the most courage is to put myself out there for the
world to see. I fear letting my readers
down. I am afraid of being a
disappointment to those who support me.
I am afraid of sharing my writings with those literary folks I look up
to as my muse.
I have a very long, deep, dark novel sitting in
my heart. I've played the entire novel
over and over in my mind. I know who my characters are, where the story takes
place and the time frame in which it occurs.
So many details all bottled up inside of me, but I am too afraid to
share. I can't even bring myself to do
an outline of the story for fear of not "getting it right".
Where can I find that courage? How do my idols do
it? How do they take that first step off
of the ledge and land safely on their feet? Is there a store of courage that
they secretly buy all of their super powers?
If so, how does one find admittance to this private shopping facility?
I'll gladly pay dues to their special club. But then again, would I be good
enough to become a card-carrying member? Or would I be just another drain on
their talents?
I recently reviewed all of the drafts I have
sitting in my To Be Finished folder. Man what
a lot of junk I was working on.
Trying to fill shoes bigger than mine will ever be. Those authors I look up to have the drive, desire
and courage that I pine for every time I write. So many times I doubt myself, I
lose the desire to finish the piece I've worked on painstakingly for several
days. Never to be finished or published on my personal blog.
See? Even writing this meme I doubt myself. Will
I finish what I started? Will I make sense? Will someone want to sit and read
what stories I have trapped in my head? If they are willing to take the time
and read what I've written, will they be genuinely interested? Will I put forth my best work? Will I be
proud of the work I finally finish?
Someday I know I'm going to find a little bit of
courage and start that outline. Maybe I'll find a way to block out the entire Universe
and just let the words pour out of my mind, heart and soul. Maybe I'll fill up several thumb drives, each
chapter puling you further into my story.
Maybe each chapter will mean even more to someone else like me than I
could ever imagine. Maybe I'll share
characters that you love, hate, become jealous of or that become an inspiration
to the reader. Maybe I'll write the next
great American love story.
Once I get it all finished, maybe, just maybe,
I'll share it with the person who gave me this challenge to write 1,000 words
in one hour and ask her to review my first finished piece of literary art. I'll
happily sit there quietly and smile, enjoying the sight of Lizzie's rolling
eyes as she reads my novel which will lovingly be dedicated to her and her
stubbornness on pushing me to write as much and as often as I can.
Love you Lizzie Walker! Thanks so much for the
challenge tonight. It's time to forget
the world and what they say and think about what I've written. It's time to just
let the words flow from the brain to the screen!!
